“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate