My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
You Might Also Like
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*