4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
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Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them