Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.