Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Day 2 of my diet
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Yeah. This was me today.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.