Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…