The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me: