I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you