CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
True statement👍😏😁
My teenage children choosing violence
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.