[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
🤣🤣
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.