Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
#DesignFail
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars