H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute