[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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My love language is hissing.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery