nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Breaking news:
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school