me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.