People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.