[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking