My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
You Might Also Like
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
plant them where lol
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.