I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
You Might Also Like
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
How to draw a duck
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet