Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
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Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
me
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm