“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.