Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.