My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
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7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter