“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane