I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?