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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.