My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”