Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”