ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I support this random dude and all his protests
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH