GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
A roof is a house hat.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
BETRAYAL
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?