[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
You Might Also Like
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Spotted in New Orleans.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
One of the best
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.