ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
You Might Also Like
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?