If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
the answer was staring at me all along
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”