I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Me too door. Me too.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.