coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV