Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
They got a point!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.