[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Worst bar ever.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish