#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
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I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Does your wife know you’re single?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.