Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
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Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.