I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
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Haha good job!!
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The Weeknd is back
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
#Caturday
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
some Old Testament wisdom
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.