I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
You Might Also Like
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I want to meet the individual who made this
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.