Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Strangers have the best candy.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much