Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
thanks auntie mary
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”