My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Smallpox sounds so adorable
oh u like geography? name every lake