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One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind