Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.