I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault