Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Facebook memories be like
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again