My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager