OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.